RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
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I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
me working on my assignments ^-^
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.