Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
You Might Also Like
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas