Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
You Might Also Like
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Did my cat write this
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together