Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
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“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.