@DrunksWithGuns *Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
@JohnLyonTweets Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
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@DrunksWithGuns “Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
@linanneblack My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
@Chhapiness They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
@AimeeHelene1 A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
@MakesTweetsUp Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
@jonnysun TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
@erica_rosie It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
@TravLeBlanc If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
@theshantilly If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.