DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
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Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.