BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
You Might Also Like
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.