My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
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Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Breaking news:
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters