My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
You Might Also Like
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
October already? What’s next? November????
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS