(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
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At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.