[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
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You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.