[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
You Might Also Like
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”