Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
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I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.