Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
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MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
I only eat vegetarians.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food