Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
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I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
💯😂
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Dance like you’re not the father
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom