What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
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Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
The first one, obviously
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.