oh my gosh!!
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Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
…u ok Nintendo?
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
tinder profile where the fish is holding me