but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
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I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?