Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
You Might Also Like
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
live long and prosper!
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Sooo many times…..
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment