Sooo many times…..
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🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”