*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
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Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]