My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
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Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Seems legit
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
What kind of a cult is this?
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
respect
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.