santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
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He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.