A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
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Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
car not found
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
God, I love Scotland
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child