How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
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Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no