Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
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ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
all bases covered
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.