Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
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My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.