When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
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Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Saving my good tweets for marriage
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.