I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
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remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
This is amazing.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Effort made
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
A choir of Spring onions
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?