Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
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I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
i want the dreams to chase me for once
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
very niche meme I made
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*