very niche meme I made
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*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.