very niche meme I made
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If only.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
buys donuts instead
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
I love art.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Happy thanksgiving
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.