This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
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alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.