Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
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INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Just say no
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper