Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
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ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
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My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
The devil.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
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Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.