So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
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“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.