“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
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I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
My patronus is a cheeseburger
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
#titanic
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.