“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
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I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>