things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
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Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.