why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
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“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Harsh but fair
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]