How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
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[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I’ve had relationships like this
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.