PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
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My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
How high do the levels go?
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?