excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
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How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.