This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
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support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
yeah not falling for this one
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Saturday
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
🐕🍷
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill