I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
You Might Also Like
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
pictures of spider-man
Human are so complicated
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.