Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
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Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
#math
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?