Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
You Might Also Like
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.