Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
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[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
multitasking lunch
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Not helping
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.