I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
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“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I’m sure it’s fine.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
sliding into dms like
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I think my mom just blocked me
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.