Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
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Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own