A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
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[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Seems legit
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed