why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
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Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.