Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
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“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.