[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
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Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually itâs the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
[Phish concert]
âI have to pee.â
âGo when the songâs over.â
âHow will I know?â
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
âFINISH HIM,â I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
My son just said, âPeace on Earth, goodwill to men,â and shot me in the face with a Nerfâ˘ď¸ gun.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just canât even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Me: I really shouldnât be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay thatâs weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Still laughing at this stupid meme
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! đ
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and hereâs a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Apparently when a potential employer asks you âwhere do you see yourself in five years?â, âIâm hoping to have found Bigfoot by thenâ isnât the answer theyâre looking for.
If youâre 6â5â tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like âyeah, THATâs gone now…â
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Iâve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
âWtf itâs been 3 hoursâ
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: whatâs your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uhâŚdoja
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. Youâre welcome.