My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
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“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
oh u like geography? name every lake
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.