Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
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I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Weighing up my bread heating options
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
#Caturday
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.